The man stood there, completely at ease. The glare of the lantern overhead made his black hair shine, but his brown eyes were dull as a starless night. Tonight was a starless night. For some unknown reason the stars had decided not to shine upon the world for a night. Maybe they, like many others, sensed the coming of something far beyond a normal evil. Maybe they sensed the coming of the one who could bring around the destruction of not only the world, but also the very universe that they shone upon.
The man did not pay much attention to the absence of the stars. With the power to heighten his power of sight, this dark night was as bright as day. Every nook and cranny of the empty street before him stood out. Every shadow was like a stain of evil against the walls of the shops. Even the one that was moving towards him. Not one to leave anything to chance, he summoned the essence of light and molded the light of the lantern around himself, making it impossible to see him.
The shadow soon reached the outer edge of the ring of light from the lantern. It walked around the edge, not daring to go into a place where it could be seen. After it was sure that the place was empty, it slowly came forward and materialized onto the shape of a woman. Unlike the man, her hair was light and her eyes shone with even the smallest amount of light, giving her a greedy, evil look. Her skin was pale, almost transparent. She slowly stalked towards the lantern post and leaned against it, as if she were waiting for somebody. She did not have to wait long.
A hand suddenly covered her mouth stifling her scream of surprise. A knife pressed against her throat as a voice hissed out of the darkness behind her, very close to her ear.
“Now what would a beautiful young woman like yourself be doing out on a night like this? Surely you’re not planning to meet someone. On a night like this only the evil would dare venture from the safety of home and even then only if they were more courageous than the others.”
The woman laughed to herself. He had always been like this, acting as if though life was only a big joke to be played on all others. She reached up and removed the hand covering her mouth and pushed away the blade.
“You are most observant, Harcus. Why, if I had not known it was you that summoned me I might not have dared to come out myself. Such a dreadful occurrence. The stars have not decided to hide since the attack on the city of Sapphire. It must be a terrible thing that is about to happen. Why is it that you have summoned me tonight?”
“All will be explained in due time, Shania. I find it quite ironic that you should mention the attack on Sapphire, for much of what I am going to tell you tonight revolves around that power. First, I must have your word that you will not tell anyone else about what I am going to speak of. Remember, I can see into your mind when i wish, so any hint of treachary, and i will destroy you."
" You have my word that I will not breath a word of what goes on tonight to any other in the world."
Harcus hesitated. In her voice was a hint of some other feeling. He reached out to her mind and found that she spoke truth, she was only nervous in his presence. He did not blame her. There were few who could stand before him without feeling...diminished.
"Come with me. This is not the place for such a disscusion."
Shania hesitated. She did not exactly trust Harcus, but she did not want to anger him. Fear started building up and panic started to set in. "Hold it together, Shania," she told herself. "It will all be alright."
"Let me choose the place. I have agreed to meet you here, so know you must show some measure of trust."
Harcus smiled causing shania to shudder. She knew through experience that the only time he smiled was not when he was amused, but when he was receiving or giving a challenge. Now it was a test of determination for her. she knew that in order to get his respect she would have to prove to him that she would not back down, no matter what the cost. She drew herself up to her full height.
"What is the matter, Shania? Don't you trust me? I have never betrayed you and yet you choose to dihonor me by insisting that you get to chose the place where we have a converstion I asked you to have. I am warning you, i am not one to be trifled with."
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
omg! i loved it. keep it up. toodles...
-jennie
thanks to you all for reading my story. i will fix teh problems once i hve teh time.
First off, I liked this. You have some good detail and description. You've begun your plot well, also. Hopefully we'll see some character development in your next addition to this.
Now for a couple things I noticed as to your punctuation:
"i" should be capitalized.
Space before "You" is not needed.
Can't wait to see more!
Just a few nit-picks
Cut out the second Tonight was a starless night.These two you needed capital I's.
Otherwise, it was interesting. You have a good start here. Keep Writing!
hey this sounds really cool!! i have a suggestion, though.
this is worded weirdly, and I'm guessing that this is supposed to be like casting a spell, and you should of said invisibility instead of essence of light. Molding light around you sounds more like making yourself noticeable, rather than making it hard to see you.
this part sounds totally funkified. what do stars have to do with this story??? its slightly off subject.
this should be worded differently, like 'his eyes were incredibly keen, and he could see everything as he could in daylight.' or if you want to make it sound like a spell, say that he cast night vison, or something.
this sounds strange, are the stars suppsosed to be people??? i think that you should talk less about stars... And Sapphire city sounds kinda corny, like Wizard of Oz or something.
i like your story and I think you should keep it up, but i don't like how it sounds like Bartemius, and sounds kind of like Eragon too.
hey cory,
well i guess i will start by saying that your story is great ... it flows and it keeps the reader wondering whats gone happen next so keep up the good work and keep writing.
hey buddy. since i already edited your story in class today I won't do it again, lol, just want to say again how much i love your description! and look! you already have critiques.
ttyl.
~Sunny
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! This is the best site to post your work and read other peoples. I thought I would critc your work, no one else has.
Make sure you space. It makes it hard for the readers when all the words are together in a clump.
Try to make it something like this:
(I fixed a few things. They are in bold)
The man stood there, completely at ease. The glare of the lantern overhead made his black hair shine, but his brown eyes were dull as a starless night. Tonight was a starless night. For some unknown reason the stars had decided not to shine upon the world for a night. Maybe they, like many others, sensed the coming of something far beyond a normal evil. Maybe they sensed the coming of the one who could bring around the destruction of not only the world, but also the very universe that they shone upon.
The man did not pay much attention to the absence of the stars. With the power to heighten his power of sight, this dark night was as bright as day. Every nook and cranny of the empty street before him stood out. Every shadow was like a stain of evil against the walls of the shops. Even the one that was moving towards him. Not one to leave anything to chance, he summoned the essence of light and molded the light of the lantern around himself, making it impossible to see him.
The shadow soon reached the outer edge of the ring of light from the lantern. It walked around the edge, not daring to go into a place where it could be seen. After it was sure that the place was empty, it slowly came forward and materialized onto the shape of a woman. Unlike the man, her hair was light and her eyes shone with even the smallest amount of light, giving her a greedy, evil look. Her skin was pale, almost transparent. She slowly stalked towards the lantern post and leaned against it, as if she were waiting for somebody. She did not have to wait long.
A hand suddenly covered her mouth stifling her scream of surprise. A knife pressed against her throat as a voice hissed out of the darkness behind her, very close to her ear.
“Now what would a beautiful young woman like yourself be doing out on a night like this? Surely you’re not planning to meet someone. On a night like this only the evil would dare venture from the safety of home and even then only if they were more courageous than the others.”
The woman laughed to herself. He had always been like this, acting as if though life was only a big joke to be played on all others. She reached up and removed the hand covering her mouth and pushed away the blade.
“You are most observant, Harcus. Why, if I had not known it was you that summoned me I might not have dared to come out myself. Such a dreadful occurrence. The stars have not decided to hide since the attack on the city of Sapphire. It must be a terrible thing that is about to happen. Why is it that you have summoned me tonight?”
“All will be explained in due time, Shania. I find it quite ironic that you should mention the attack on Sapphire, for much of what I am going to tell you tonight revolves around that power. First, I must have your word that you will not tell anyone else about what I am going to speak of. Remember, I can see into your mind when i wish, so any hint of treachery, and i will destroy you."
" You have my word that I will not breath a word of what goes on tonight to any other in the world."
Harcus hesitated. In her voice was a hint of some other feeling. He reached out to her mind and found that she spoke truth, she was only nervous in his presence. He did not blame her. There were few who could stand before him without feeling...diminished.
"Come with me. This is not the place for such a discussion."
I really enjoyed your story. It is a nice start. I hope you continue with it!
Love,
lg*
p.s. Feel free to pm me with any questions.
First, Welcome to YWS
, I'm new here as well.
Second, I really liked the story, I especially loved the imagery.
"The man stood there, completely at ease. The glare of the lantern overhead made his black hair shine, but his brown eyes were dull as a starless night." Very good imagery.
Just try to be careful with repeating your self.
"but his brown eyes were dull as a starless night. Tonight was a starless night." This was a bit repetitive.
Other than that, It was really good
Hey there, darling, and welcome to YWS! I'm gyrfalcon, one of the junior moderators around here, so feel free to PM me with any questions. First off, good for you in getting your two reviews done before posting your own stuff--thanks for following the guidelines so well! Second, for some strange reason, YWS will not recognize tabs or paragraphs, so that means that you'll want to separate your paragraphs by spaces:
.
Like this,
So that your readers don't have to strain their eyes
Welcome again, and best of luck--Ta!